A Short Article About Baseball Cards

Even people who like baseball would agree that it can be a tedious sport. There’s only so much tolerance you can have for a game that encourages pitchers to make eighty-seven consecutive throws to their first basemen in a failed campaign to tag out the runner that's trying to get an extra two-foot lead off the base. Because there's no time-limit, the pitcher and the first baseman can basically sit around playing catch all day like a bunch of morons, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

For some reason, however, this didn't stop me from collecting baseball cards back in elementary school. I don't know if I was hoping they'd go up in value or if I just enjoyed trading cards with friends, but whatever my reasoning, I'm pretty sure it all ended up being a complete waste of time and money. To prove it, here are seven baseball cards I scanned from my worthless collection.



David had the chance to pick any pose he wanted for his baseball card. Eventually he settled on this one, where he's daintily trying to tag out a base-runner while making 100% certain that his uniform remains perfectly clean. From what I understand, it came down to a difficult choice between this picture and the one where he's reading Seventeen magazine in the on deck circle.


Here's an excellent draft pick: he can throw a killer fastball and a mean slider, and when he's not pitching, he bats a respectable .295. There's only one problem: He's fourteen-years old.


This guy was an apparent "future star" in 1989, but without double-checking I'm going to assume that his career didn't pan out. I've seen him hanging out in every Waffle House I've ever entered.


OK, Greg Anthony, as an exciting new prospect, you'll be getting your very first baseball card--you've been dreaming of this since you were six years old. So think about this carefully: are you absolutely certain you want to appear on the card wearing the shirt you found in your great aunt's closet? While posing in front of a tree next to an industrial junkyard? Because we have a uniform for you, and we could take you down to the ballpark for--OK, OK, you're right, this will make an excellent card. 



This picture becomes even more disturbing when you find out it was taken by a fifteen-year-old girl.


Hahaha. Oh, I don't have the heart to make fun of this guy, especially since he's an All-Star relief pitcher. That's right, Tom, you're a super all-star! An extra-special all-star relief pitcher!


"Look at me!" joked Greg Harris. "I've got a baseball glove for a hat! Normally gloves go on your hand, but not today!" Harris would finish the year going 11-12 with a 3.85 ERA and the most retarded baseball card ever made.

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