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A Short Article About Baseball Cards Even people who like baseball would
agree that it can be a tedious sport. There’s only so much tolerance you
can have for a game that encourages pitchers to make eighty-seven
consecutive throws to their first basemen in a failed campaign to tag out
the runner that's trying to get an extra two-foot lead off the base.
Because there's no time-limit, the pitcher and the first baseman can
basically sit around playing catch all day like a bunch of morons, and
there’s nothing you can do about it. For some reason, however, this
didn't stop me from collecting baseball cards back in elementary school. I
don't know if I was hoping they'd go up in value or if I just enjoyed
trading cards with friends, but whatever my reasoning, I'm pretty sure it all ended up being a
complete waste of time and money. To prove it, here are seven baseball cards I
scanned from my worthless collection.
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David had the chance to pick any pose he wanted for his baseball card. Eventually he settled on this one, where he's daintily trying to tag out a base-runner while making 100% certain that his uniform remains perfectly clean. From what I understand, it came down to a difficult choice between this picture and the one where he's reading Seventeen magazine in the on deck circle. |
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Here's an excellent draft pick: he can throw a killer fastball and a mean slider, and when he's not pitching, he bats a respectable .295. There's only one problem: He's fourteen-years old. |
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This guy was an apparent "future star" in 1989, but without double-checking I'm going to assume that his career didn't pan out. I've seen him hanging out in every Waffle House I've ever entered. |
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OK, Greg Anthony, as an exciting new
prospect, you'll be getting your very first baseball card--you've been
dreaming of this since you were six years old. So think about
this carefully: are you absolutely certain you want to appear on the card
wearing the shirt you found in your great aunt's closet? While posing in front
of a tree next to an industrial junkyard? Because we have a uniform for
you, and we could take you down to the ballpark for--OK, OK, you're
right, this will make an excellent card.
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This picture becomes even more disturbing when you find out it was taken by a fifteen-year-old girl. |
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Hahaha. Oh, I don't have the heart to make fun of this guy, especially since he's an All-Star relief pitcher. That's right, Tom, you're a super all-star! An extra-special all-star relief pitcher! |
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"Look at me!" joked Greg Harris. "I've got a baseball glove for a hat! Normally gloves go on your hand, but not today!" Harris would finish the year going 11-12 with a 3.85 ERA and the most retarded baseball card ever made. |
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