Normally when I go to a store where everything
costs one dollar, the only mystery I’m prepared for is how coarse
and unpleasant toilet paper can be. A recent trip to a nearby Dollar
Tree offered a more pronounced mystery in the form of so-called grab bags,
which were strewn about a rack that taunted, “We know you just love
surprises!” Families who shop at the Dollar Tree are known for their
love of surprises, such as the surprise that they only have
twenty-eight dollars per week to spend on groceries, or the surprise
that Christmas is being canceled due to mother's crystal meth
addiction. These grab bags merge poor people’s penchant for surprise
with their complete lack of taste.
The grab bags were divided into three categories: blue (“a
surprise for a boy”), pink (“a surprise for a girl”), and green (I have no idea in hell
what kind of bag this is). I decided to compose a comparative analysis of these
grab bags by purchasing
one of each type and sharing my findings, even though I knew full well that opening
three mystery bags in succession might give me a heart attack, or that the
contents of my new bags could compel me to commit suicide. But at a total cost
of $3, I really couldn’t complain about the fine value.
A Surprise For a Boy
CONTENTS:
1 Green slinky
4 Decks of cards
It is an exciting day to be a boy. It is true that
everyone loves a slinky, but only a boy can appreciate the nuance of
using the slinky as a kind of tube prison for his G.I. Joes, or
whipping the slinky around at his friend. My earth science teacher
in middle school used a slinky to demonstrate the P-waves and
S-waves of an earthquake; no thanks, Mr. Strempek—I demonstrated how
to drop an F-bomb and got the hell out of that class. Slinkys aren't
for learning, they're for slinking. This particular slinky,
unfortunately, is particularly shoddy. My G.I. Joes escaped after
about a minute.
When you’re finished with your slinky, it is
time to play with your four decks of cards. I don’t know any card game
that requires four separate decks—or for that matter any card game
in which gambling or alcohol isn’t prominently involved. Now is a
good time for a boy to learn about these activities as he
struggles with the fact that his mom allowed the employees of the
Dollar Tree to select his birthday gifts this year.
A Surprise For a Girl
CONTENTS:
3 Empty pink bottles
1 Empty pink container
1 Pink loofah
1 Mirror
2 Packages of facial tissue
Instead of printing that pink “grab bag” motif
across this bag, perhaps they should have just called it a “garbage bag” and
saved me the trouble of opening it up. Included are a bunch of empty
plastic containers, some tissues, and a loofah, which is girl for
“spongy body wash applicator.” Yes, fellows, you can fling the loofah
at a group of G.I. Joes and pretend that it’s some sort of
missile, but after some preliminary research I’ve concluded that this provides
no more than a scant few hours of entertainment. The only other
application for you males would be to hang it up in your shower and
pretend that you have a girlfriend.
If you’ve purchased the pink grab bag, though,
you’re probably a girl, in which case you could always use another
loofah. Maybe
a new loofah is what you need to actually become pretty. The empty plastic containers I’m not so sure about. You could
put shampoo in them, I suppose, but why are you buying shampoo that
doesn’t already come in its own bottle? Maybe the plastic bottles
are to teach girls how to recycle, since that’s the only humane
thing to do with their new grab bag toys. The mirror is useful for reflecting
that priceless look of disappointment as girls open up their bag.
I hope you girls enjoy blowing your nose while
imagining what it would be like to own hotel shampoo—I’ve got to go
play four simultaneous games of High Low Ohama Poker with my new good
luck charm, Mr. Green Slinky.
Green Bag
This grab
bag is such a badass mystery, it doesn’t even clue you in as to
which gender it’s for. That’s probably why the grab bag rack was
about 90% green bags—nobody knows who's supposed to buy them. I
think they made the bag green so that stoners are tricked into
thinking there might be
some marijuana in one of them. They'd be disappointed—as
would anybody hoping to find anything the least bit practical.
CONTENTS:
1 Pair of underwear
4 Decks of playing cards
Now is a good time to mention that four plus
four equals eight, which means that this article has caused me to
own no fewer than eight decks of cards. If you assembled these decks together to
play a game of war, it would actually take longer to complete than
the war in Iraq. I challenge anybody reading this to the most epic game
of war of all time, the winner getting the blue underwear. In the meantime I’m going to try to get a bank
to give me a loan so that I can use the playing cards to open up The Green Slinky Casino.
The underwear is baffling. You would think that
the gender-neutral bag would be the least eligible place to include
underwear, since you kind of have to know what gender you are before
you buy something to wear around your junk. But I have to admit:
this underwear design doesn’t seem to exclude either boys or girls.
It’s cut sort of like a pair of men’s briefs, but it has the
luxurious sheen and delicate softness of a pair of panties. The only
thing I can say for sure about this underwear is that it fits me
wonderfully, and you really can't put a price on that. Oh wait, yes
you can: one dollar.
It is time to put on my new underwear and roll around in all my terrific
prizes.
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